Greeting the 500

DAY 10 - London Mourns

As most of the globe is now well aware, my lovely City, the one that I was born in, grew up in, live in and work in, was hit by a serious of terrorist strikes last Thursday (7/7/2005). The first thing to say, quite obviously, is that I extend my sincere condolonces to anyone who has been affected by this appalling and despicable tradgedy. Frankly, this sick act made me evaluate a lot of things. In particular I attempted to rationalise this project that I am currently working on with Michael, and whether or not, in the greater scheme of things, it has any merit or is particularly worthwile.

I had a lenghthy discussion with Michael. We decided that the fact that we are raising money for charity is reason enough to carry on, and that no blood-thirsty sicko should be allowed to dictate what we do on a day to day basis.

That having been said, it's patently obvious that the last thing that any politician, newspaper editor, columnist, religious leader, indeed anyone on our list of 500, will want at the moment is to receive some daft letter from me asking to have my photo taken with them.

It really goes without saying that most people probably have their mind on other things at the moment.

We've therefore decided that for the next 2 weeks there is little point in me writing to anyone and that I should recommence sending out my letters towards the end of July. Michael has agreed to extend the time limit of our bet by 2 weeks and it will now end on January 14th next year. This will also give me the opportunity of spending the next fortnight snuffling out the contacting details of these individuals, much as so many hefty pigs would search for truffles.

The only other point to add is that to date, of the 21 individuals already written to (see below), only one has as of yet replied......step forward Richard Littlejohn.

Well I say replied, what I actually mean is he organised for a stock postcard from Sun Newspapers to be sent to me. It reads:

THE SUN

Thank you very much for taking the trouble to write to Richard Littlejohn.

The volume of mail received on a weekly basis means Richard is not always able to reply personally to every letter. However, he is grateful for your views - whether positive suggestions or criticism - and will consider the points you raise.

Once again, many thanks for writing.

Editor's Office.

So that'll be a 'No' then, I guess.

Day 15 - Another Reply

Much to my dissapointment, after sending out the first 21 of my 500 letters (see Letters Sent category), the flow of replies from these illuminati, gliteratti, cognescenti and anything alse ending in -ti, through my letterbox, continues to resemble the flow of water through the Serengeti's mud-baked Mbalageti River during a particularly dry 'dry season'. No more than a trickle. One would in fact see a more noticeable trickle watching a man with a bad case of kidney stones urinating.

There is, however, a however, as today I ACTUALLY received my second reply, and so very many thanks to Mr Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear fame (and other car related programmes). I quote it directly:

The Sun

Thank you very much for taking the trouble to write to Jeremy Clarkson.

The volume of mail received on a weekly basis means Jeremy is not always able to reply personally to every letter. However, he is grateful for your views - whether possitive suggestions or criticism - and will consider all the points you raise.

Once again many thanks for writing.

Editor's Office.

Now if you think this sounds familiar (see Replies category) it's probably because I received an identical reply from Richard Littlejohn who also happens to write a column for The Sun. I'm delighted to hear that both Richard and Jeremy were "grateful for my views whether positive suggestions or criticism". Hmmm, rather strange, since I don't recall expressing any views. Anyway, I'm equally glad that if nothing else, I'm keeping some office junior in Wapping relatively busy in sending out Sun Postcards. Marvellous.

Michael was indeed right. I'm going to fail his challenge miserably. 2 down 498 to go.....

Day 20- Thank You Charles Kennedy MP

As you will notice from the list of my likes and dislikes on the 'About' page (top left), in the past I have expressed my general dislike of the colour orange. I believe it has a depressive quality. To me it conjures up images of a line of inmates heading for death row. Well, as of today that has ALL CHANGED. Charles Kennedy MP, leader of the Liberal Democrats, and Member of Parliament for somewhere in Scotland, I believe, a man who was one of the original receipients of the first 21 letters I posted, sent me a most delightful reply.

"Dear Julian,

Thank you for your letter regarding your campaign 'Greeting the 500'. Please accept my apologies for the delay in replying. Unfortunately due to many diary and constituency commitments I will be unable to meet with you for a photograph.

I am sorry to give you what must be a dissapointing response. However, I have enclosed a signed photograph as requested for your auction and may I take this opportunity to wish you the best of luck with your campaign.

Thanks once again for writing and best wishes."

Ok he is not able to meet me, but what a nice gesture. It makes me feel all the more guilty for voting for my half Korean/half Tamil canditate Kim Lee Gurumathu Singh A. Song of the Rainbow Enlightment of the Divine Spirituality Bretheren party, at the last general election. What can I say but bring back proportional representation (have we evr had it?) and "Kennedy for Prime Minister!"

(Incidentally Mr Kennedy's constituency is actually Ross, Skye & Lochaber. I just noticed it at the top of his letter).

DAY 22 - Replies (J. Clarkson, T. Blair)

Friday was a very productive day indeed for me. A very busy one. It was bulging with action much like the scrotum of a man who has abstained from sex for 40 years. Anyway I am going to cut and splice this action into three 'fun size' posts, since they relate to different topics.

Firstly a couple of replies were found in my pigeon-hole this morning. Celebrity droppings I guess you could call them. Now at this stage I would like to officialy apologise to Jeremy Clarkson to whom I did a slight disservice the other day. Having received a stock postcard from the offices of the Sun Newspaper (see somewhere else on this website. I can't remember where), I suggested that Jeremy had not actually read my letter. Well this now appears to be wholly innacurate and unfair. I shall now walk through the streets of North London flogging myself. I reckon I'm worth about £3.50

A letter from his personal assisstant, Lucinda, reads:

Dear Julian,

Many thanks for your letter of July 4th, it sounds like a most interesting bet you have with your friend and I would love to be able to help you. However, I am really sorry but I just can't. We get so many letters from people wanting just a few minutes of Jeremy's time and we have to say no. If we were to allow everyone who asked for a few minutes, in no time at all, Jeremy's day would be totally taken up and he would have no time at all to do all the work he does, so I am really sorry that we are not going to be able to help you win your bet, but hope the enclosed signed photograph will go some way to help.

With all best wishes.....

So there you go. A debt of thanks is owed by me again. I must say, I do greatly admire Jeremy Clarkson. Being someone who speaks their mind, I have always had the utmost respect for other straight-shooters. Unless of course, I disagree with what they're saying. In Jeremy's case I rarely do.

Anyway the other letter that I opened came from 10 Downing street. It read's:

Dear Mr Segal,

The Prime Minister has asked me to thank you for your letter and recent enclosure. I regret that the many calls on Mr Blair's time will make it impossible for him to see you personally.

Yours sincerely....

It was signed by a Mr 'Smith', yet I am sure that Mr Smith is indeed a legitimate member of the PM's inner sanctum as it came from 10 Downing Street's Direct Communications Unit. I'm baffled as to how the Indirect Unit might have replied? Answers on a postcard please (not a Sun Newspapers one).

Not a great surprise there, of course, and again I am grateful for any sort of response at the moment.

Day 32 - Replies (W. Hague, J. Carr)

If someone else tells me that my project "is a bit like something that Dave Gorman would do", why I'll....I dunno, probably sigh and say "yes I know, lot's of people have told me that".

Anyway, I can't really insert a lengthy post here, as Ron Jeremy said on a recent film set, because I am at work and obviously it is far more important for me to be entering the names of lawyers onto a  database, since I am being paid a Huh-whopping £8.00 an hour to do so.

Suffice to say that both Jimmy Carr and the Right Honourable William Hague MP, have agreed to meet me. More on a need to know basis, or rather, more once I get home this evening and have a bit of free time.

....and now, I am home, yet possibly a few pints worse for wear so forgive any spelling mistakes. So as I was saying, a letter from Kirsten that I received this morning read:

On behalf of Mr Hague, I would like to thank you for your letter of 4th July concerning the challenge you have accepted.

Mr Hague would be happy to meet you though, now that the House is in recess, I am afraid that it will not be possible to make any arrangements until the autumn. However, if you would not mind, I will make a note to contact you then in order to agree a suitable time to meet.

With kind regards......

So what can I say, fantastic. My first quote Meeting unquote that is of a direct response to a letter sent by me. I am forever in your debt the Rt Hon, and you are most certainly entitled to your summer holiday. An 80 day recess as I am led to believe from today's copy of The Sun, and following hot on the heels of this letter, an email from Katie:

Hi Jules, Jimmy (Carr) would like to help you out with your mission. If you could
turn up to Xfm next weekend at 11am we can do the photo etc..

let me know,

So today has truly been a most pleasing one. There was I lying in bed last night, tearfully casting aside my copy of Harry Potter VI after reading the harrowing final few chapters, yet not realising that all would feel so much better come the morning. Two positive replies without even having to resort to the Imperius Curse. 

Day 35 - Replies (M. Owen, A Shearer, J. Wilkinson)

...Well in this instance, and amazingly enough, the replies were received without the three subjects in question ever having seen my letter, and no, these famous sportsmen have not all recently become highly experienced in clairvoyancy.

Now don't get me wrong, I have got and do expect to get a number of negative responses to my requests for meetings, but I'd feel just a tad happier if those who were telling me that they would not be able to meet me, knew that they were telling me that they would not be able to meet me. In fact knew that they'd been contacted at all.

I sent an email to the SFX Group (no nothing to do with murder by illusion) the other day. They represent nine of my celebrity 500, namely Steve Backley, John Francome, David Gower, Richard Keys, Gary Lineker, Prince Naseem Hamed, Michael Owen, Alan Shearer and Jonny Wilkinson.

In my email, I kindly asked that the letters I'd be sending to these people could please be passed on. I received a reply from one lady who deals with, or is the PA to the person who deals with Messrs Owen, Shearer and Wilkinson. It read:

Dear Jules...

....Unfortunately the players above will be unable to assist with your request as they have a huge backlog of outstanding charity and community commitments from last season, therefore we have been asked to limit any new enquiries for the time being. I am sure you will appreciate their position, in that they think it is only fair to undertake those elements they have already committed to undertake.

However, good luck with your challenge.

Kind regards....

Now obviously I do not in anyway blame the good people of SFX for this response, they are only obeying orders, it's just that when celebrities decide to "limit new enquiries" they may inadvertantly be overlooking those that are not only worthwhile, but would also take up just 30 seconds of their time, ie. mine.

Well anyway here I've been, moaning and whingeing about my lack of success, just one meeting had and two more lined up, whilst all the while forgetting Sir Issac Newton's (pictured) Third Law of Physics. You know, the one about every action having an equal and opposite reaction. It seems to follow that the more work I put into this and the quicker I send out letters, the sooner I will receive replies. I am therefore now nipping out to the post office to send off my letters to Ken Livingstone, Paul Ross, Rav Singh, Eric Hall, Anne Widdicombe and Sara Cox.

Day 43 - Reply (K. Livingstone)

Never ask for chips in an internet cafe. They'll be silicon. This will be a quickie because I myself am in an internet cafe, as my home computer is dead. In this place time really is money. Anyway TRIUMPH ! SUCCESS ! no, I haven't magically scheduled 55 meetings over the next 2 weeks, but I have finally received another reply. It's from the Mayor of London. He doesn't have 2 minutes to spare me in the next 5 months. He's probably going to be too busy deciding.....actually I'll bite my tounge at this point.

Very nice of him, or should I say his PA, to get back to me.

I am currently in discussion with several newspapers and magazines about the possibility of submitting an article about what I am doing. No word from anyone yet. I'm also hoping that Christine & Michael Hamilton, Dale Winton and Frank Lampard, will be contacted by my various charges d'affaires over the next few days and I am awaiting news from the agent of John Motson as to when I might be able to meet him.

Day 48 - Replies (D. Joly, C. Morris)

An extract from an email received from Roya, an employee of PBJ Management....

"Thank you for your interest in our clients regarding your bet, Greeting the 500.  Unfortunately our clients Dom Joly and Chris Morris are unable to meet up due to work commitments."

Shame about that, particularly Chris Morris, who I'd loved to have met as he's pure comedy gold, but you know what, a reply like this from an agent comes as no great shock to me anymore. However, being a massive fan of his, and hearing that he is working flat out for the next 5 months, I can't wait to see all of the new shows that he's working on.

I am also mulling over the possibility of throwing myself upon the mercy of Michael and asking whether I might shift the goalposts of my challenge a little. I think that if I am to bump into any of the 500 listed individuals out of the blue (not allowed under terms of our bet) and have a photo taken with them, presumably on my mobile phone, then this should count towards my total. I only say this because I saw Nicholas Parsons eating dinner in a Tapas Bar on Haverstock Hill the other evening although on this occasion I opted not to approach. I didn't want to make the poor man choke on his battered squid and besides, trying to explain the background of my challenge in less than 15 minutes is something that I've still yet to master.

Day 50 - Reply (R.Atkinson)

An email received today from the agent of Rowan Atkinson reads:

Dear Julian,


I am afraid that Rowan Atkinson has turned down your request on the premise that he doesn't feel that celebrities should be obliged to meet someone simply to disprove the cynicism of their friends.


Further to this is the ever present risk in the current climate of a scam, akin to Tom Cruise being squirted with water during an interview.  Both the Tom Cruise incident and this request are in many ways indicative of the same problem: a cynicism and distrust of celebrity and putting the burden on the well-known individual to prove/disprove that attitude.

My apologies for getting back to you with a negative response.

Regards

My reply:

Hi Janette and thanks for getting back to me. What an interesting response.

Firstly could you please thank Rowan kindly for taking the time to consider my request, I really am grateful that he has given it such thought. When I find it hard enough to get a simple acknowledgement of receipt of my letter from some people,  a full and frank response like this is very refreshing.

Just to answer his comments, firstly I'd like to say that the celebrities that I am contacting should feel absolutely NO obligation whatsoever to meet me. They should agree to meet me for one reason and one reason alone - because they want to. If they don't, that is fine. I certainly won't think any less of them, particularly when they have been bothered to reply to me.

With regards your second paragraph, I think that Rowan has hit the nail squarely on the head there. In my opinion, one of the reasons that my quest is doomed to failure is because many of the receipients of my letter are highly suspicious of my motives. For example, if, hypotheticaly speaking, I was having a number of celebrity meetings every week and was getting a certain degree of media coverage, I am pretty sure that a number of the people on my list would be a lot happier to meet me. In other words, they need convincing that I have no sinister motives, but am in fact quite genuine.

Unfortunately I am in something of a vicious circle, since without meetings in the first place there WILL be no media interest.

One thing that you can be sure of however, is that I am no prankster. I am certainly not conceited enough to think that I am so perfect that I have some divine right to take celebrites down a peg or two. I have no desire to make anyone look foolish.

The makers of the programme that you refer to have unfortunately fallen into the trap of mistaking crass and brainless TV for entertainment. Regrettably this is commonplace nowadays, as you point out, and presumably that is why we have so many shows concerned with the likes of 'celebrity shoe mending' or 'placing 4 teenagers in a balloon over Iraq'.

Ultimately I am neither a "cynic nor distruster of celebrity", which is why I believed in the first place that many more individuals from my list of 500 would meet me than has actually been the case so far.

Anyway Janette, thanks again for helping me out as you have. It's a shame that not all agents are as efficient as you.

And please thank Rowan once again for his honest reply.

Kind regards,

Julian

Day 52 - Another Angel (+ Reply J.Motson)

Just as I was greatly impressed with the agent of Rowan Atkinson, who went out of her way to help me, it seems that another extremely kind young lady has ridden to my aid. A little background:- A week or two ago, whilst lying on my couch and watching England thrash the Aussies in the Second Test, my mobile phone rang. I answered it and was greeted by one of the most recognisable voices on British TV.

"Hi Julian, John Motson here. Sorry I've only just got back to you but I've been on holiday... In principle I'm happy to meet you but could you possibly just clear it with my agent first".

How UNBELIEVABLY kind and nice of him I thought, to phone me up like that. No airs and graces whatsoever. Well I spoke with his agent Sara shortly after that and despite sounding a little puzzled, she said that she would speak to John to try and sort out a convrnient date. Well a little time went by and to be honest, I thought that I would hear no more on this matter, yet just the other day, Sara the angel gets back to me and tells me that John would be happy to meet me this coming Tuesday.

Our brief chat raised a few issues actually, none moreso than the perception that my words on agents generally might be slightly harsh. Well I certainly have no desire to offend anyone in what I write...apart from Michael (who is growing increasingly smug at my limited success so far, "perhaps you should rename it Greeting the 5"), and so I would like to reiterate a couple of points that I made elsewhere on this site. Firstly, I am WELL AWARE that probably every one of the 500 on my list already do a vast amount of work for good causes, receive hundreds of requests every day, and are incredibly busy. I hold absolutely nothing against anyone who will not meet me. Secondly I apportion no blame at all to the agents of those who won't meet me, since their hands are tightly bound by the wishes of their clients. All that I ask is that either my letter or failing that, the contents of my letter ie the idea, is passed on to the intended receipient. I would now like to lay the subject of agents to rest for once and all.

I will, of course, be updating this site once my meeting with the legend of sport commentary is complete.