Those two statements have no corelation by the way. I shall fill you in over the next hour or so, as if you were some prize turkey and I was holding a handful of chestnuts and sausage meat.
In other words:
(story to follow as well)
107 MINUTES LATER
....So as I was saying, I've been on one mammoth triangular mission today, just like the one that allegedly put paid to JFK I suppose.
I've taken in almost every borough of London, heading from the Central North of the city, to the South West, across to the South East and then back up North again. I've basically cut a slew across a huge dairylea triangle shaped wedge of the Capital.
My day was supposed to have begun at 8.30am at Heart FM radio station near Shepherds Bush where I was to meet DJ Toby Anstis. However, Steph, my contact, texted me late last night to kindly enquire whether wires had been crossed since Toby had been patiently waiting for me YESTERDAY morning.
It seems as though dimwit here made a stupid error in jotting down details of the meeting. I'd got confused (with the emphasis on the fused, what with the crossed wires and everything). Hopefully that one can be re-arranged.
On the plus side, I had a lie-in.
I was then to meet Ainsley Harriott at a TV Studio in Wandsworth, where an episode of Ready Steady Cook was being filmed. The address of the studio was Wandsworth Plain, a name that conjured up images of thousands of bison roaming over Putney Bridge, but I can confirm that I passed no such shaggy animal on my way (although I saw the odd zebra crossing).
I arrived slightly early and the delightful Amy escorted me past the canteen and offered me tea (accepted) and lunch (declined). I tend to lose my appetite just before these meetings you see.
Whilst waiting for Ainsley to arrive, I wondered to myself whether the person responsible for preparing his lunch would be quaking with fear at having to conjure up a meal for one of the most notable chefs in the country. Not sure.
I was alerted to Ainsley's arrival by a huge peel of laughter (I know it should be spelled 'peal' but I thought it more appropriate to use a reference to food) coming from the corridor.
It wasn't long before I was whisked (there's another one <groan>) onto the set, by another delightful lady, show producer Emma, who took the photo(s). I even managed to swallow my pride and pass a message on to my host from my mother.
"Just to let you know Ainsley, my mum thinks you're lovely."
"Aah how sweet" he replied, before continuing "Wooooweeee hot mamma..."
"Well you haven't seen her yet" I mumbled. (Just a joke if your reading this ma).
After the snaps were taken, I apologised for not taking up the offer of appearing on the show with Michael - pepper kitchen v tomato kitchen - but to be 100% truthful, my kitchen skills are so poor that I actually burnt a fried egg last Saturday.
Everyone was so kind to me today and I thank them all greatly for the welcome and for sending me packing with an RSC (the TV show not Shakespeare) apron, carrier bag, table mat and photo of Ainsley, all signed by the good man himself.