Greeting the 500

Day 193 - Greeting David Suchet

Phew what a day! I've been tearing around London like a cat in an aviary. I felt like Ray Liotta form that scene in Goodfellas where he has to deliver the silencers to Tommy, then go home and stir the stew and then go and fetch his babysitter's lucky hat for the flight to Philadelphia.

However, my tasks were slightly different. I have no baby that I'm aware of, let alone a babysitter, I wouldn't even know how to begin making any meat-based broths and the nearest I've got to a gun was at Hampstead Funfair.

It only shot corks by the way.

Today I met three of the nicest individuals you could hope to make the acquaintance of. Admitedly I might be biased, but they really were all absolute diamonds.

My first 'greeting' of the day was of the actor David Suchet which took place outside the stage door of the National Theatre where he's currently performing, so off I went to Waterloo for my fourth meeting in that particular corner of London. Perhaps I should rent a flat there.

Which reminds me, I'm slowly bankrupting myself doing this.

I entered the stage door in good time at 1.00pm and asked a lady behind the counter if this was the exit that David Suchet would be emerging from.

"Yes," she replied with a scowl, "he'll be emerging at about 5.00pm this evening".

"Hmm, yes actually he's expecting me. I've got a meeting with him." 

"Well in that case, he's there outside the glass door you came in through. You've just walked right past him." She let out a laugh and gave a sympathetic smile and I realised that we were in fact on friendly terms.

Anyway she was correct. In my defence, I would definitely have recognised David, being a big fan of Poirot, but he had his back to the direction that I'd approached from and was deep in conversation with a friend.

I believe his conversation may have been about bananas if my ears weren't mistaken, yet I promptly introduced myself without being rude enough to interrupt the two of them.

David was a gent. We had a brief word about London pollution, his friend kindly took the photo that you see and then we parted, with my latest greetee wishing me the best of luck and hoping that others engaged in his line of work weren't letting the side down.

I replied that they weren't, it was just those on my list who are engaged in different proffessions that I was struggling with.

This leads me to an idea. When this whole shebang is done and dusted and I get busy with a stats page, I might break one section down into 'successful meetings by profession'.

Just for fun and not, repeat not, for any type of witch-hunt. I've said it before and I'll say it again- who's this particular scrawny git (Michael's words) to criticise anyone?

(I think sports pundits and politicians are fairing quite well at the moment though)

Day 193 - Greeting Bruce Oldfield

....and so off to the plush environs of Knightsbridge, or if you prefer, 4 by 4 country (though it shouldn't be).

My next meeting was scheduled for 2.00pm in the shop/studio of top fashion designer Bruce Oldfield which is in Beauchamp Place (or Beautifulfield Place for non-French speakers).

Having checked the photo from my previous meeting on the way, I concluded that there was no way I could meet one of the country's most eminent creators of haute couture in my scruffy state and that my hair was a serious cause for concern.

Seeing as I was early and in need of severe barnet rectification, I popped into Harrods to try and buy a hat but I'm no Pete Doherty and I don't think a trilby would have suited me so I decided to look elsewhere. After much searching I eventually went into Gap to buy a cap (and fetch a pale of water) and then made my way to Bruce's shop.

Once there, and having nearly pulled his shop door of it's hinges, I noticed the 'ring for service' plaque next to a doorbell. So as Led Zeppelin correctly surmised, there was a sign by the door and I wanted to be sure, coz you know sometimes words have two meanings.

Anyway I rang the bell and no sooner had I done so than the delightful Julia beckoned me in.

"You must be Jules," she said, though whatever gave me away as not being a bona-fide customer and proponent of high fashion I can't think. Perhaps my Matalan trainers.

Whilst waiting for Bruce to appear I had a good old chat with Julia who I found most engaging. I learned that she had a notable background in marketing and PR and she in fact offered to do my PR for a price to which I replied that I could afford to pay her somewhere in the region of nothing.

Bruce soon appeared, in the company of two dogs one large and one small and once again, as was the case when I greeted Sir Tim Rice in the company of his large-ish canine, I showed my true colours. Various shades of yellow. Sorry I'm just slightly scared of dogs, sue me.

My subject was an extremely genial man and refreshingly down-to-earth.

"Bruce what do you think of my fashion sense?" I asked, as Julia took the snap.

He replied with a one word answer and a smile. "Shite."

I suppose it was nothing I didn't already know.

So that was it. I left with a chuckle and holding a signed copy of Bruce's book under my arm that he'd kindly donated for the charity auction.

Day 193 - Replies (A.Lloyd Webber, C.Martin)

I've taken today off work (unpaid), or as teenagers or professional footballers might say- I've taken today off of work.

I have a very busy few hours what with 3 meetings now, but on the plus side, I won't be forced to suffer the slings and arrows of the outrageous Northern Line because I'm going to be darting around London en Polo, paying £8.00 for the privilege of course. (C-Charge)

Christina, who is an assistant to the mega-talented Andrew Lloyd Webber, has penned me a letter apologising for the delay in replying to my letter of 26th August. She mentioned that through the sheer weight of numbers of his commitments, sadly a meeting won't be possible with the renowned composer, yet I thank her very much for getting back to me none the less.

On the plus side, however, I shall be etching the name of one of the world's finest, most popular and most successful musicians onto my 'Maybe' list (see Tally category). Yes, Timmy Mallet will meet me.

Just a joke. Chris Martin of Coldplay fame, he of the very catchy tunes and stunning Hollywood actress wife, is now my favourite musician as he's become the first of this particular proffession to respond to my bleating semi-begging letter. To be honest, he was up there in my opinion anyway (see another much earlier posting somewhere, where I bang on about Coldplay).

For this response, I really do have to thank my flatmate Lois and her work colleague Paul, who himself does a bit of work for Chris Martin and brought my request to Chris's attention.

Now despite being abroad on tour at the moment, Coldplay will be back here for a few days to attend the Brit Awards next week. Without promising anything, Lois suggested that Chris seemed more than happy to help and would try and squeeze in a meeting with me at some stage.

I gave a faux-nonchalant "oh that's nice", before almost collapsing in my kitchen.

Quite ironic then, that my favourite Colplay song is "God Put a Smile Upon Your Face".

Hmmm, maybe Michael should listen to it. 

Day 193 - Greeting Derren Brown

I'm not really a religious man, but as far as I'm concerned Derren Brown is some sort of supreme being. Not only am I frequently amazed and astounded by his illusions, acts of magic and mind readings, but I don't know anyone that's seen his act who isn't.

For example, the way on one show of his that he stopped random people in the street, played Paper-Scissors-Stone with them and won something like 50 games in a row.

My friend James, who on learning of this meeting simply said "Oh game over!" which is something he often says when he's hugely impressed by someone or something, suggested I take Derren to a casino where his powers might come in handy.

Anyway the meeting was planned for 6.00pm at the Sherlock Holmes Hotel and wouldn't you just know it, I'm going to meet one of my 30 or so heroes from this list of 500 and I turned up late. For that I blame some half-baked cabbie who pointed me in completely the wrong direction, so a curse on him and his Hackney Carriage (but just a minor one).

Well I bowled into the hotel bar 7 minutes late, sweaty, out of breath and possibly with an unpleasant aroma clinging to me. I even made some naff joke about the Sherlock Holmes Hotel not being elementary to find. Derren was extremely gracious and accepted my apology without the slightest fuss.

In fact, not only that, but this was the first of the numerous meetings I've had over the last 6 months where I was actually offered to be bought a drink and invited to stay for a chat. What a top bloke.

I agreed but mentioned that I had parked badly in my rush to find the place.

"In fact, do you think you could communicate using the power of thought with the local traffic wardens and ask them not to give me a ticket," I enquired.

"Consider it done," he said.

Derren ordered me an orange juice and he opted for a hot chocolate. When the waiter brought our drinks over, I noticed that he also passed over what appeared to be the crust from a slice of bread and a green serviette on top of a saucer.Wow I thought to myself. My host has probably asked for these props in advance and is preparing to amaze me with a trick.

As it happens I was wrong. The crust was simply a very thin slice of cake which he dipped in his hot chocolate and ate.

Well we chatted for a good 10 minutes or so about my challenge, in which Derren was very intrigued. He was even good enough to mention that he'd put a good word in for me to Simon Pegg (another of my heroes), so I might even get another meeting out of it.

As we parted I was handed an incredible gift that I might actually bid for myself at the charity auction. It's a limited edition print of an original Derren Brown painting of Sir Anthony Hopkins. I've since hd a look at it and I've got to say, it's pretty effing good.

As I turned to walk up the street, I glanced behind me to see someone approach him saying "Hey, are you Derren Brown?" to which Derren smiled and exchanged words with him. I can safely say therefore, that on this occassion Michael's somewhat cynical view of celebrities was well and truly proved wrong.

Oh, and I had no parking ticket.

Day 195 - Replies (A.McGowan, T.Jones)

I hate my bank and my bank hate me. Bunch of jackanapes. I've decided that it would be wrong of me to mention here the name of the incompent buffoons to whom I entrust my money.

Yes, it would be much better to wait until I get 50,000 hits a day on this site before I plaster their name all over the place.

I've had two more replies since last we spoke.

Now I have stated in the past that my knowledge of music is pretty limited. I confess, I once thought that Andre 3000 was a new model of fridge.

Well I suppose he is quite cool come to think of it.

No, I was always more into sport- watching, you understand, not playing. Not with my physique. Anyway I don't believe that anyone can completely mis-spend their youthful years on both pursuits, an individual's knowledge is usually crammed with a vast array of facts about one or the other, be it number 1 hits or world record long jump holders.

Right I'm rambling a bit. What I'm trying to say is that although I know little about music, I'm certainly familiar with the recently appointed SIR Tom Jones considering he's been a massive British music icon for over four decades. I was therefore absolutely delighted to get a response from his camp, even though it was a negative one.

The prettily-named Rosie at Valley Music wrote:

"Dear Julian. Thanks for your letter explaining what sounds like an interesting endeavour!

Unfortunately Tom Jones isn't in the country at the moment, and has no plans to be until the end of March...."

So it seems as though I've sent out yet another of my letters too damned late in the day. Oh well, what's new?

Pussycat.

Unfortunately the notable impressionist (or is it impersonator? I never am sure) Alistair McGowan will not be around over the next 5 weeks or so either. Carla, a representative of his, phoned to inform me that he is away filming in Leamington Spa at the moment for the Beeb. Despite my offer of driving up the M1 and M6 to meet him, Carla suggested that it wasn't quite as simple as that since he wasn't sure where the filming would be taking place on a day-to-day basis.

So two more "sorry but cant's" yet on the other hand there's a chance that I might have some very good news in the not too distant future...

By the way, is "prettily" a word?

 

Day 196 - Sleeping in Snatches

.......for want of a better double-entendre, is starting to ravage my Adonis-like body and mind.

I've been doing the old 3 hours kips, 20 minutes awake, another 3 hours kip for over a week now and it's Saturday morning and I'm exhausted and last night's Jack Daniels and kebab from Marathon are currently shredding my duodenum, although I'm not going to rant on about how much alcohol I consume, like certain 'Radio Breakfast Show' DJ's.

I'm am just including a very quick post today though as I urgently need to redecorate the porcelaine bowl in a shade of burnt cinnamon.

I had a reply from the agent of the exciting Tennis prodigy Andy Murray in my pigeon hole this morning although it was neither positive or negative in content. It was simply the returning of my original letter and list of 500, together with a compliment slip that contained the correct address of Andy's new agents.

So my main fear ever since I started this challenge has finally come home to roost, ie how many bum steers and wrongly addressed envelopes have I actually sent out in the course of the last 6 months?

Whether or not I'm going to send this particular one off again, I'm not yet sure. Stamps don't grow on trees you know and besides, the 'Dunblane Dynamo' (a nickname first coined for Murray by me just now) is currently in Australia preparing for their Open Tournament and is unlikely to be back here before 14th Feb.

The only other thing to mention is that I've sent out a few more of my letters today, namely to: Jilly Cooper, Jimmy Saville, Phil 'the power' Taylor, Eric Bristow, Barry Norman and Dennis Norden.

4 of the 6 will be sent via the BBC, usually a good bet to see them handed on to the right person.

Day 197 - Not Greeting Jimmy Hill

I usually like to have a lie in on a Sunday until, I don't know, say 4.00ish in the afternoon, but yesterday was different as I had a lunchtime appointment outside Sky Sports with Jimmy Hill.

I've not been to Grant Way before, or indeed Isleworth, but I'm very familiar with the Sky Sports address having posted several thousand job applications there in the past (none successful).

Well I got there in good time, parked by the security cube and barrier and leafed through my copy of the News of the World  in the car, learning all about the skullduggery of the England football manager. That's a good topic to break the ice with Jimmy I remember thinking to myself.

Anyway to cut a short story even shorter, after quite a wait I approached the people in the security shed and was told that Jimmy was probably still around as his car was still there, but that sometimes he was obliged to hang around at the studios to look after his guests, which might take some time.

I was then handed the charity gift (1 signed photo) which had been left with them to pass on to me, at which point I left a note for Jimmy thanking him for the gift and requesting a re-arranged meeting time.

I then took the photo that you see above, just to prove I'd been there. I'm not sure who I was trying to prove it to and frankly in hindsight, being one who's not overly happy with the face that was handed to them via the genepool, I really should limit the amount of photos of me on this website. I'ts particularly upsetting for one as vain as me (I die my grey hair, remember?).

In fact I'm so vain I think that song that Carly Simon wrote is about me.

And not that song either, but the one that goes "Baby you're the best".

Well Sunday wasn't a total washout as I was able to enjoy the visual delights of the A406 (the North Circular) not once but twice. These include the Liu Clinic, a chinese medical centre that has a sign in the shape of a pagoda, the Ramada Jarvis hotel on Ealing Common and of course the still incomplete Wembley Stadium which I even took a snap of. I've taken to calling the new home of British sport the Flatfoot Stadium what with it's fallen arch and everything.

On getting home I took some lunch.

I took it from the kitchen to the living room. I wasn't sure what to have but then I remembered that it's nearly both Chinese New Year and Australia Day, so I got some dim sum and a can of Fosters.

In the evening I attended a pub quiz which our team won. It wasn't particularly memorable although I was introduced to a beautiful young lady named Lucy, the friend of a friend.

I was reminded of that old TV show, I Love Lucy, because...well, I love Lucy.

Lucy has a boyfriend.

I Hate My Luck.

Day 198 - Reply (W.Self)

As brutally honest replies go, this was certainly way out in a league of it's own. I must admit I smiled when I read it, primarily because despite it's slightly negative tone, I've always been a very big fan of people who speak their minds. If you don't believe me, you can ask the countless people who I've offended during my time, generally because I've always thought it better to say it as you see it rather than beating around the bush.

Added to that is the fact that, being one who tends to favour the side of the maverick, Will Self is a man who I've always found very entertaining and to be fair, he makes some interesting points.

I've deliberated for quite a while about whether or not to include the reply here, well actually for about the last 5 minutes, and I do hope he'll forgive me for doing so, but I have tended to include all of the replies that I've received on this website, and am happy to remove anything from here if requested to do so.

"Dear Mr Segal,

I did not reply to your utterly specious request for a long time because I could not conceive how either you or your friend believed that 'meeting' 'celebrities' would prove anything about the human race one way or the other.

I do hope you didn't pursue this senseless enterprise for too long and that in 2006 you will spend your time more profitably.

yours sincerely,"

So there you have it. I'm taking that as a 'no' reply.

I've also since looked up the word specious (it's not good), have digested the rest of the contents and have concluded that he is  basically right.

So Michael, both Will and I think your idea stinks.

Joking aside, this letter has highlighted a number of points which, despite the fact that they've been delved into on more than one occasion by me on this website, probably need further clarification.

Firstly lets analyse the use of the word 'celebrity'. This is a word that tends to prefix a large swathe of the current crop of rather vapid programmes on TV. In fact to use a moth-eaten cliche, we are rapidly becoming a celebrity-obsessed nation, so much so in fact that the depressing results of a recent poll taken by someone with too much time on their hands suggests that a majority of schoolchildren would rather be famous than intelligent. In other words, come 20 years time and this sceptered isle will be awash with glamour models and we'll be having to import our brain surgeons from El Salvador.

I have always baulked at using the words 'celebrity meeting' or 'celebrities on my list' every time I tap them out, because this ISN'T about celebrity and I'm not sure how many more times I'll have to make that clear. I'm quite sure that neither the Governor of the Bank of England, nor the Archbishop of Canterbury nor a 2nd round loser from last year's Big Brother (all of whom appear on my list) would regard themselves as 'Celebrities'.

This bet was started because someone levelled the hypothesis to me that once a person had achieved success in his or her field, ego would dictate that they would tend to elevate themselves above the general masses. I disagreed.

I have only used the term 'celebrity' throughout, and this is totally true, because I'm lazy and it's seven words shorter than typing out 'people who have achieved success in their field.'

Now prima facie, my challenge appears to be nothing more than a jolly outing, an opportunity for Julian to meet and fawn in front of famous people, but it's not that at all as I've tried to explain, it's simply a stupid bet, something that once I'd started, and committed to with the RNIB, I've had to see through.

Generally I'm one of life's quitters, rarely ending what I start, be it a film script or a big mac, and I can assure you I've wanted to knock this whole project on the head many times over the last 6 months, but I feel obliged to complete it purely as I don't want to let anyone at the RNIB down. I'm DESPERATELY looking forward to it ending after which time I couldn't care less if I never see an eminent ballerina or member of the British Bobsleigh team again.

As Will 100% correctly points out, and something that I've realised whilst doing this and frequently alluded to here, what I'm doing proves nothing about successful people. I might as well have written to 500 pilots or 500 gym instructors, It's just that I don't think I'd have raised as much money.

No this 'social experiment' as I rather embarrassingly called it for the first few weeks, is no experiment at all and quite patently has no merit or scientific worth in the least. It will not and should not be referred to in any social treatise written on the 'Cult of Personality' and any statistics gleaned from it are about as useful as a marshmallow crash helmet.

It has been quite fun though.

As for spending my time more profitably this year, I honestly could not agree more whole-heartedly. The amount of money I've spent on letters, stamps, paper and petrol coupled with my abysmally paid day job (yawn) has seen me living off Branston pickle and cupcakes, but no need to get out your violins, I'm not after any sympathy.

So believe me or not and I don't care if you don't, I'm actually really thankful that Will bothered to reply to me (more than most have done), thankful that he enabled me to clarify my position, and thankful that he was so honest.

(And that's not just me kissing buttock)

Day 198 - Reply (C.Fogarty)

I forgot to mention, I now have only one month left until I lose this bet with Michael. I'm really going to have to crack on with sending out the final 40 or so of my 500 letters.

In the meantime I received a reply from Sue who works for Carl Fogarty at Fogarty Petronas Racing. For those of you who are not into sport as much as others, Carl is the Blackburn-born man made good, extremely good in fact, in the world of motorcycle racing.

On-line encyclopedia Wikipedia even states that Foggy is considered to be "the most successful Superbike racer of all time..." and he rode his Ducati to become the World Superbike Champion on no less than 4 occassions. We can therefore rejoice in the fact, like we do with Andy Murray, Amir Khan, Phil Taylor, Ronnie O' Sullivan etc etc that this man of prodigious talent is one of ours, a Great British sportsman.

Well Sue mentioned that Carl will be happy to make my acquaintance at the Silverstone Race weekend on the 26th-28th May. I have since spoken to Sue and mentioned that money permitting, I hope to be travelling somewhere near Koh Phangan or in Australia by then, as Greeting the 500 ends in mid-February.

Sue has kindly agreed to get back to Carl to see if something might be sorted a little sooner, although she did warn me that he was going to be travelling all over the globe between now and then and so it might not be possible.

I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed I suppose. Maybe I can wear my wife's lucky green pants. Oh dear, I've just remembered I don't have a wife.

Incidentally, you need to know about superbike racing to understand that last reference.

Day 199 - Quickie

I'm aware that my last post was quite long-winded and rambling and I've been told before by people who check this site that being faced with a massive slab of text is a little daunting so I'll be swift and to the point this morning.

1)Good news, Carl Fogarty does have time to meet me. Taking place next week.

2)Good news, Jonathan Ross may also meet me, have to wait and see.

3)Good news, a friend of a friend is approaching Thom Yorke of Radiohead for me although I'm not sure if they're in the country at the moment.

4)Good news, more hits than ever on my site, 5,145 yesterday, although why that's good news I'm not really sure.

I'd like to thank the various people who have sent me emails of support following my last posting, but really, don't worry I'm completely unfussed.

I must, though, mention Carla, who is the first person to have recognised me in the street, so she wins a new magi-mix and a £3 haircut voucher at the Taton Salon near Hulme, although I hope that this was a one-off since I'm rather shy and neurotic truth be told.

Anyway it was on Heath Street NW3 where Carla approached and said something like "I love your website, it's really funny" to which I replied "I love your website, It's also really funny," to which she said "I don't have a website", to which I said "Oh. Well I'm sure if you did it would be." We then walked off in opposite directions.

I have sent out another 8 letters today. I'm nearly there now. They went to:

Daniella Westbrook, Nigel Kennedy, Sir Clive Sinclair, Victoria Wood, Jodie Kidd, Lennox Lewis, Rebecca Loos and Shakey Stevens.

The picture above is of a lady called Carla, but not the lady.