Greeting the 500

Day 183 - Reply (W.Rooney)

Happy New Year !

No not really, and it's not a case of 'bah humbug' but it's surely the most overrated night one could spend in the company of drunken idiots. Does anyone actually enjoy getting crushed to death in a pub and spending the final 3 hours of 2005 queueing  up for a white wine spritzer?

If that's not enough, come midnight we're forced to stand in a circle holding hands with complete strangers and sing ancient Scottish songs as if it were some sort of Glaswegian Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

I was in some dump in Notting Hill.

At one stage I thought my luck was in. One of the attractive female members of our little group-ette, a young lady who I'd met for the first time that evening, was standing at the bar holding her slippery nipples and smiling at me.

Why she needed two of these Bailey's and Sambuca-based cocktails I couldn't say, maybe to help her get through the evening in the company of dullards such as yours cynically, but anyway I walked over and tried to engage the lush in conversation. To be honest, my opening gambit could have been better.

Come to think of it, it couldn't have really have been worse. "Would you like to try some Slippery Nipple?" she said. "Maybe later, but could I have some of your drink?" and I swear she walked straight off without once looking back. Not even in anger.

So it appears that what I mistook for a smile was probably just Rachel trying to expel some wind and that this wasn't set to be a match made in heaven, more like some shabby patchwork quilt darned in hell by Satan's own fiery hand.

How ironic then, that after all of this breast talk it was me who was left standing at the bar feeling a t*t.

Anyway enough of such nonsense, I want to discuss the finest footballer in this country. And I don't even support Man U.

Wayne Rooney. Roonaldo. The Wayne-ster. I'm sure he had a more enjoyable new year's eve than me in the company of Coleen, and I must thank an unidentifiable individual at Proactive Sports Management Ltd whose signature I couldn't decipher.

The young prodigy does of course play for Manchester United (unlike my friend Michael who plays for Dyslexics Un-tied) and he must be in huge popular demand. Im very impressed therefore, that his agents were able to get back to me so promptly.

Alas, a meeting with Wayne is not possible because, as squiggle wrote: "Due to the massive amount of requests Wayne receives, it has been decided that he should dedicate his time visiting chosen charities in Manchester....and it has not been possible to facilitate your request on this occasion."

For my part, I completely understand and am once again simply happy to have got a response. It's very kind of them considering how busy they must be trying to organise all of the young starlets activities.

After all, how could I possibly be upset with the man who's going to fire us to World Cup victory this year. No pressure.

Day 185 - Who I've Met & What I've Got

 LISA RODGERS - 1 grey jump suit, 1 grey bodice (I think they're called), 1 cream jacket with fur-lined hood, all as worn in the TV show 'Scrapheap Challenge'

LORRAINE KELLY - 1 pink dress as worn on GMTV. 1 signed photo. 1 signed sticker

FIONA PHILLIPS - 1 GMTV Goody Bag (pen, keyring, t-shirt, travel mug). 1 signed sticker

JASON QUEALLY - 1 red/blue cycling jersey

ALAN TITCHMARSH - 1 signed photo. Various Kew Gardens pamphlets and entrance ticket (used) thrown in by me (and signed by me for what it's worth....)

RICHARD WILSON - 1 signed photo

FIONA BRUCE - 1 signed sticker

NICK ROSS - 1 signed sticker

NICHOLAS PARSONS - 1 Nicholas Parsons quizbook. 2 signed Nicholas Parsons cd's - 'Fantasy'. 1 signed sticker

IAIN BANKS - 1 signed hardback copy 'The Algebraist'

LAWRENCE DALLAGLIO - 1 signed sticker

DAVID GOWER - 1 signed N-Power t-shirt

JOHN FRANCOME - 1 signed Jockey Club Rule Book + 1 entry badge (used) + 1 betting slips (losing) thrown in by me (both with message from me).

JIM MCGRATH - 1 Timeform Chase Season 2005/6 book. 1 signed sticker

ANNE WIDDECOMBE MP- 1 signed copy 'The Clematis Tree'. 1 signed sticker

SIR TIM RICE - 1 signed autobiography (to me, although it says Jason(?) not Julian) 'Oh what a Circus'. 1 CD 'Aida'. 1 signed sticker

CHERIE BLAIR - 1 signed copy 'The Goldfish Bowl'

CHARLES KENNEDY MP - 1 signed photograph

JEREMY CLARKSON - 1 signed photograph

LESLEY GARRETT - 1 unique signed t-shirt worn by Lesley when taking part in the baton relay for the 2002 Commonwealth Games. 1 signed copy of Classic FM magazine with Lesley's photo on the front + free cd attached.

BRUCE FORSYTH - 1 signed photograph

BILL KENWRIGHT - 2 complimentary tickets to the theatre (Blood Brothers). 1 signed sticker

CLARE BALDING - 1 signed Windsor racecard. 1 entry badge (used) + betting slip (losing) thrown in by me (both with message from me).

DAVID SUCHET - 1 Poirot Casebook. 2 signed photos. 1 autograph of David on Hercule Poirot letterheaded notepaper.

CHRIS TARRANT - 4 VIP tickets to recording of Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

MIKE LEIGH - 1 signed photo

JIMMY CARR - 1 X-fm wall hanging. 3 X-fm badges

JOHN MOTSON - 1 tie (one of his favourite ones)

LORD ARCHER - 1 signed copy  'Heaven'. 1 signed sticker

TONY HAWKS - 1 HB pencil (with genuine teethmarks as Michael pointed out). 1 signed authenticity sticker 

SIR PATRICK MOORE - 1 'Atlas of the Universe'. 1 signed sticker

JONATHAN EDWARDS - 1 signed photo

DERREN BROWN - 1 limited edition print of an original Derren Brown painting of Sir Anthony Hopkins

BRUCE OLDFIELD - 1 signed copy 'Rootless' (with Bruce Oldfield boutique carrier bag)

JIMMY HILL - 1 signed photograph

BOB HOLNESS - 1 pink Blockbusters fleece top. 1 signed photograph

NEIL KINNOCK - 1 signed tie (University of Wales), 1 signed sticker

CHRIS MARTIN - 1 personal note including small amount or artwok. (possibly more to follow), 1 Coldplay postcard signed by the band.

JONATHAN ROSS -  1 calendar of scantily clad men with Jonathan's face superimposed over each one (as featured on Jonathan's chat show), 1 fluffy tie embossed with small metallic trinkets, 1 t-shirt with a male face and various autographs (currently un-identified)

ANDREW MARR - 1 signed copy 'My Trade'

CARL FOGARTY - 6 selected signed posters (2xFogarty, 2xMcCoy, 2xMartin), 1 signed FoggyPetronas-Racing shirt

JOE PASQUALE - 1 signed photo

EDUTH BOWMAN - 1 of those metal records inside a glass frame (autographed by Edith). This one is "to recognise sales in the UK in excess of 100,000 copies of the album The Magic Numbers".

SIR RANULPH FIENNES - 1 signed copy 'Race to the Pole'

AINSLEY HARRIOTT - 1 signed Ready Steady Cook apron, carrier bag, table mat and photo.

GARY BUSHELL - 1 signed copy  'Two Faced'

TOBY ANSTIS/JAMIE THEAKSTON - 1 signed Heart 106.2FM T-shirt ( also includes autographs of Emma B and Greg Burns)

MICHAELA STRACHAN - 1 signed photo (To Julian (me)) with amusing message

HUGH CORNWELL - 1 signed copy of exclusive CD - Hugh Cornwell Live:  Live It And Breathe It (not available in shops)

Just to mention that the signed stickers in question are bought to each meeting by me, and signed, where I remember to ask, by that celebrity. They're basically white, rectangular and say, 3cm by 10cm. Like envelope address stickers I suppose.

Right, that's all for now. I bid you farewell, or as the residents of Cricklewood say "Do Widzenia!"  (Polish).

Day 186 - Reply (B.Oldfield)

Alexander and Paul and Stella and Vivienne and Jasper and Jeff all appear on my list, yet so far I've had rather limited success with our Great British fashionistas.

So what do I say? I say all hail Bruce Oldfield who kindly sent me the most delightful email this morning, the first line of which read:

"..Seems perfectly easy to accommodate your request. Please ring xxx next monday to set up a time next week...."

A gentleman a scholar and a damned fine fashion designer I'd suggest. Many thanks again Bruce if you happen to be reading this.

What he'll make of my honey coloured chords and Matalan shoes when I meet him is yet to be seen. In fact I'd better let his PA know what I'll be wearing, in case he walks past me and tries to drop 50p into my cap.

As for the other cutters and stitchers on the list, I haven't yet given up hope. I have made it perfectly clear throughout this website that I don't wish to name and shame anyone who doesn't reply to my letter although I fear that at the top of this particular posting I have actually named some.

Please remember that they are all particularly busy people, as evinced by the reply I received from Paul Smith some weeks back who mentioned that he simply didn't have the time to help yet wished me the best of luck with it anyway. All these people do more than their fair share of work for charity.

Which reminds me, why havent any of YOU sponsered me yet? eh? put that in pipe and smoke...

Day 187 - Up For An Award. Cor.

Well whaddayaknow. It appears that a glut of poor jokes, bad grammar and an overuse of metaphors hasn't been enough to put some people off enjoying my site.

I've been informed by email that this website has been nominated as a contender for Yahoo! Search Find of the Year 2005 awards. I sent a reply enquiring as to whether the prize might be a 2 week holiday in the Bahamas, I could really do with a break, but I've not yet heard back.

Anyway my dear lovely readers, I can tell by my little stat box that I'm getting several thousand 'hits' a day here and so I say to you - Vote your little hearts out for me. Vote like you've never voted before (by clicking on the above link), unless you have never voted before in which case don't vote like that.

This site is nominated in the 'Celebrity' category by Yahoo. I actually had a look at one of my rivals which is the delightfully named Handbag dot com. A far more professional affair than this one but no doubt they've got an army of gossip columnists beavering away, if you'll pardon the pun.

The only things I've won in my 34 years have been The Most Promising Student of the Year Award when I was 9, handed out to the swat of the class, I think I dropped the cup after it was handed to me, and £1,000 from the side of a Tropicana Orange Juice Carton. They evidently liked my poem about "delicious juice and crisp mountain air, you'll glide along like Fred Astaire", which all seems rather vomit-worthy now reading it back.

So I just thought I'd mention this latest potential accolade here, largely because I can't concentrate at work. There's an alarm screaming away somewhere near our building in the depths of Farringdon, and it's so piercing that it's going right through my head at the moment.

As if Kate Bush swallowed helium and sung Wuthering Heights.

(metaphor 162a)

Day 187 - Reply (A.Harrison)

Michael the half-wit, my chunky friend and co-formulater of this bet, has once again excelled himself.

As he was preparing to draw up the list of 500 for me to meet, I did stress into his flabby ear on more than one occassion that the celebs must be based over here (ie Blighty), just to give me some fair chance of making their acquaintance.

I've already lost count of the amount of 'no' replies I've received, owing to the celebrity in question living abroad.

Latest to be added to that pile is the British heavyweight boxer Audley Harrison. I've just got off the phone to a man in the Harrison camp by the name of Ben, who was kind enough to let me know that said talented pugilist now lives somewhere in the States, and has no plans to come to these drizzly shores before my challenge ends in mid-February.

I will slap Michael when I see him tonight.

Incidentally a friend of mine actually made the snooker equipment for Mr Harrison's new billiards room. Yes, he formed an Audley cue.

Right, I will now officially go and get my coat...      

Day 188 - Greeting Sir Ian McKellen

He's the one on the right.

Ok, first things first. The other day I mentioned somewhere that news of this stupid little bet that arose between Michael and myself at a table in the annexe of the Crown Pub in Cricklewood, had reached as far afield as Bondi Junction, New Mexico and Bloemfontein.

Well you can now add India to the list.

Someone called Susheel sent me a kind email in which he/she mentioned that "I and all of India wish you a whole ton of luck in your bet against Michael." Thanks Susheel, it's somewhat comforting to learn that I've got 1,065,070,607 people rooting for me. Perhaps Brazil and Nigeria can root for Michael to even things up a bit.

Well just to mention that I'm now getting stacks of emails and so apologies if I can't reply to each one or mention each one here, but regretabbly my bionic arm hasn't returned from the dry cleaners yet (they mentioned something about a stubborn vinagrette stain that they're having trouble shifting).

Right to last night. Sir Ian McKellen, a personal hero of mine, and man who is well known as Gandalf, John Profumo and Richard III amongst other characters, was kind enough to meet me in South London.

He's currently treading the boards at the Old Vic (which ironically is how I refer to my dad), where he is appearing in Aladdin.

As Michael was otherwise occuppied last night, in his role of Chief Bottlewasher at the Garrick Theatre, photographer for the evening was Gidz, another friend of mine who I'd roped into coming along to press the button of a camera.

This was unfortunate, since the journey to Waterloo turned out to be one annoying whinge-orama.

"I'm tired, the seatbelt's hurting me, I'm missing Celebrity Big Brother, this car's too hot, I'm bleeding from my eyeball etc etc"

Anyway we arrived in good time and briefly stood around the stage door, watching crew members emerge as one of them mumbled something, possibly derogatory, about autograph hunters, before we were ushered inside and up to Sir Ian's dressing room.

I'm not sure if I was entirely prepared to witness Sir Ian in Widow Twankey costume, but nevertheless he was an absolute star and was incredibly helpful. Not for the first time at one of these meetings, my subject asked me how many handshakes I'd managed so far and there seemed genuine concern about my lack of progress.

This was allayed slightly when I mention that winning the bet entailed only having to meet 100 people out of 500, and not the entire list.

Sir Ian even kindly offered to help me, by suggesting that he might rustle up someone else from the show but I mentioned that alas, no one else involved in the production appeared on my list of 500.

So that was it really. What a top man.

I met Michael later in the evening to upload the photo you see above. I also happened to mention to him that amazingly enough, my website had been shortlisted for an award. "OUR website I think you mean," he replied.

Yes that's true. Michael has indeed put as much work into it as I have.

Whreas I pay for it, manage it, write it and badly design it, Michael has appeared in a photograph on it and so I suppose he deserves equal credit. He's also asked me to mention that he isn't actually a bottlewasher at the Garrick, but rather, a very important member of the Crew and a close personal friend of Edward Fox.

Day 189 - Replies (J.Cleese, D.Hirst, R.Scott)

Hi.

John Cleese, Damian Hirst and Ridley Scott, or the agents/assistants thereof, have all kindly sent me replies in the last day or so.

I thought that I'd shoehorn them all into this one post rather than spreading the word over today and Sunday, since I'm going to Hungerford of all places in an hour's time and will be blissfully incommunicado for a while.

Bet-wise I'm afraid it's pretty negative news. Well I'm only afraid for myself, as it's three more "I'm so sorry but he wont be in the country for a while"s.

Melanie was good enough to inform me that as John Cleese "...lives in California, it's not possible to help your campaign," but that he thanked me for thinking of him and wished me every success.

  Sylvia kindly sent me an email which mentioned that regretabbly Damien Hirst was currently abroad at the moment and won't be returning here until the Spring.

Meanwhile, Natascha who is the assistant of Ridley Scott, was replying to me at the request of the eminent director himself. He is currently working in post production on his latest film in Los Angeles, and likewise isn't expected on this side of the pond until late Spring so he wouldn't be able to help me with my "extraordinary and very captivating project". Very kind of you to say so.

So there you have it. The greatest mistake that I made in the planning of how I'd go about Michael's challenge is there for all to witness.

If I had my time again, apart from having the courage to ask Nathalie Proops out on a date several years ago (she used to sit in front of me at the football), I would have got ALL of the contact addresses for ALL of the 500, in the first week of the project and sent each letter out as early as possible so as to give the receipients as much time as possible to meet me.

But I didn't, and as it is, I still have about 43 letters to send.

On the plus side, I am reminded that John Cleese went to the same school as me, since which time he has starred opposite the lovely Jamie Lee Curtis in several movies, so perhaps this augurs well for a possible collaboration between me and Scarlett Johansson?

I wouldn't mind living in California myself come to think of it. The miles of beaches, the raisins, the blondes.

Having said that, I don't think I'll ever be able to tear myself away from the comforting and warming bosom of Mother England.

Anyway, next update probably Monday...

Day 191 - The Ones He Couldn't Find

Hungerford was lovely thank you very much. Marlborough was even lovelier. I won £22 in a fruit machine and I had a delicious cream horn.

(which is a cake).

As regular scrutinisers of my 'internet based diary' will be aware, I am trying to shake hands with 100 celebrities in 6 months (extended to 7 and 1/2 months) as part of a bet.

A meeting or if you prefer, greeting, will only count if it is agreed to in advance by the person I've written to. This was a little intricacy that was included in the bet by myself and Mickey K to stop people labelling me a stalker.

There'll be no loitering in the shadows outside the BBC TV Centre or The Ivy or Nobu or Pangea or China White or Le Caprice or the Funky Buddah or the Lonsdale or Soho House or the Mirabelle........ oh I could go on all night about a list of places I'd never get into.

Anyway, I'm also allowed to approach each person only once. This seems fair enough, yet slightly annoying should I make a mistake in the addressing of my letters. For example, rather than writing to Michael Barrymore in New Zealand, I could have waited 2 weeks and written to him in Elstree.

454 of my letters have been sent out. The final 46 I'm really struggling with. As a final roll of the old dice and having exhausted every search engine from Google to the diving bell that discovered the Titanic, I shall place the names of these 46 below.

If ANYone reading this has ANY idea how I might send a letter to one of these people, bearing in mind I only have 5 weeks left and so don't particularly want to send it via their agent in Phnom Phen, please could you email me at my email address which you'll find under 'Contact Me', with said details.

I'd be very grateful.

After that, could you peel some grapes and feed them to me and then move my home slightly to the left. Thanks.

THE ONE'S I CANT FIND

Martin Amis Jeff Banks Jim Bowen Eric Bristow Gary Bushell Keith Chegwin Jilly Cooper John Culshaw Eddie the Eagle Rannulph Twisleton-Fiennes Christine Hamilton Neil Hamilton John Harvey-Jones Stephen Hendry Sam Heuston James Hewitt Jordan Jay Kay Matthew Kelly Nigel Kennedy Jodie Kidd Lennox Lewis Rebecca Loos Nigel Mansell Malcolm McClaren Linsey Dawn McKenzie Andy McNab Colin McRae Jimi Mistry Mystic Meg Dennis Norden Barry Norman Paul O Grady Louise Redknapp Claire Rayner Salman Rushdie Jimmy Saville Clive Sinclair Zadie Smith Shakin Stevens Phil Taylor Ricky Tomlinson Anthea Turner Daniella Westbrook Fatima Whitbread Victoria Wood

Day 192 - The Metro

My friendship with Michael (platonic I repeat once more - for the benefit of an email from someone called Terry in Burbankca wherever that is. We are both hetero. Sorry Terry) has sailed into rather choppy waters following a row yesterday evening.

As I recall, I was eating a herring in dill, and watching Only Fools & Horses when the phone rang. The first words that tore through my eardrum were "You EXPLETIVE cheat!". I mentioned to Michael the other day that the freebee London underground newspaper Metro would be writing up a piece on this project and that it's massive readership might see a few more of the 500 on my list nudged in my direction.

Well in the intervening 2 days, Michael has worked out that this goes against the very spirit of our bet. The 500 that I'm writing to are meant to meet me selflessly and for NO PERSONAL BENEFIT for themselves, yet now with it being in the newspapers, Michael thinks that some will hope to gain publicity by agreeing to a meeting.

He makes a fair enough point but not a watertight one. How much publicity can, say, Sir Terence Conran gain from shaking hands with some palid freak in a brown hooded top. Not much.

I would like to thank Bel at the Metro (and Kieran) for thinking my story newsworthy and I'd like to thank '3AM girl' Caroline at the Mirror for putting me in touch with them. You must be quite knackered, no?

I'd also like to thank the number of you who have sent me contact details for the various listees who I was having trouble getting hold of. I won't name you all here but much appreciated. Why didn't I think of that earlier?

I have therefore, since been able to post my standard letter to:

Jim Bowen, Zadie Smith, Jeff Banks, Sir Rannulph Twistleton-Fiennes, Mystic Meg, Fatima Whitbread, Paul O Grady, Andy McNab and Jordan.

A most surreal combination of people, I'm sure you'd agree. 

Day 192 - Reply (J.Hill)

I know that when you first stumble upon the vast column of words that is this website, it seems a little intimidating. Stick with it though, you might like it.

Try clicking on the 'About' page to learn what makes me and Michael tick, aside from swallowing grenades. Check the archives, or if you'd like to see all the photos of my celebrity handshakes, click on 'meetings/greetings achieved'. You might even like to sponsor me (bottom left). It's for an extremely worthy cause - The Royal National Institute for the Blind.

Before I detail the latest reply that I've received from someone on the list of 500, I'd just like to apologise to Terri whom I incorrectly suggested was a male in my last post. She has written back to inform me that she is a she and that she doesn't live in the peculair sounding Burbankca but actually in Burbank CA (California). Perhaps you might like to use the space bar next time Theresa?  But thanks.

Many people have sent me emails saying that they find my bet with Michael and this whole website 'Hilarious!'. Aw shucks, as someone from Little House on the Prairie might say, you embarrass me. Well many thanks. Unfortunately though, 'Hilarious!' doesn't pay the bills.

Unless of course you happen to work for John Hilarious & Sons.

I am thus forced, like everyone else, to carry on with a horrendous 9-to-5 routine which in my case involves adding the names of American leaders of industry to the database of the company I work for just to keep myself in Petit Filous (which I should be doing right now instead of writing this come to think of it) . Oh what a world, what a world.

What I'm trying to say is can someone lend me forty two thousand pounds?

Jimmy Hill is an absolute legend, no questions asked. His name was frequently bandied about when I was running around the school playground. His utterly delightful wife telephoned me to inform me that he will be happy to shake my hand after he finishes recording his TV show, so this weekend I'll be able to chalk another name of the list.

Thanks Jimmy.