Not to tell me to move it nearer the window, or to give it less water, nor even to informer me that this renowned gardener will arrive in person to resurrect my balcony on a shoestring budget, but just to let me know that Alan will be availabIe for the photograph next month. Much obliged.
I woke early today, fretting that it was taking me too long to send out the 500 letters. I also woke early because of another peculiar nightmare that I suffered. I don't want to bore you with the details of it.
But I will. My history teacher of 16 years ago, Mr Winterbottom (real name), had set us an exam on the Humphry Bogart film Casablanca. He started shouting at me because I'd written about an exploding sheep ,"in all the bars in all the world ewe had to walk into mine". I got 17% and was expelled.
So once again I'm tired, having arisen early although I did take the opportunity to reel off another 70 letters in just twenty five minutes
For my next trick I will sit for 92 days in a hollowed out block of ice suspended over the Statue of Liberty, eating only tinned corned beef and aquafresh.
The next receipients of my requests coincidentally include three former sets of sweethearts, a mother and daughter, the female cast of The Good Life, the male cast of Men Behaving Badly, three-fifths of the cast of The Young Ones and almost the entire cast of Jonathan Creek.
In alphabetical order they are:
Donna Air, Nicole Appleton, Tom Baker, Helen Baxendale, Sean Bean, Kate Beckinsale, Ian Botham, Kathy Burke, John Cleese, Martin Clunes, Steve Coogan, Hugh Cornwell, Alan Davies, Bobby Davro, Darren Day, Angus Deayton, David Dickinson, Adrian Edmondson, Ben Elton, Colin Firth, Dexter Fletcher, Andrew Flintoff, Emma Forbes, Martin Freeman, Emma Freud, David Frost, Richard E Grant, Lesley Grantham, Ainsley Harriot, Amanda Holden, Bob Holness, David Jason, Natasha Kaplinsky, Peter Kay, Penelope Keith, Ross Kemp, Felicity Kendal, Jude Law, Robert Lindsay, Maureen Lipman, Nicholas Lyndhurst, Rick Mayall, Neil Morrissey, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, Nicholas Parsons, Billie Piper, Eve Pollard, Su Pollard, Caroline Quentin, Esther Rantzen, Alan Rickman, William Roache, Linda Robson, Patricia Routledge, Julia Sawalha, Alexei Sayall, Suzanne Shaw, Michaela Strachan, David Suchet, Liza Tarbuck, Emma Thompson, John Thomson, Johnny Vegas, Dennis Waterman, Rachel Weisz, Paul Whitehouse, June Whitfield, Richard Wilson, Claudia Winkleman and Ray Winstone.
I'm off to spend a fortune on stamps.