Greeting the 500

Day 64 - 25%

I have officially sent out over one quarter of my 500 letters.

Since I am meeting Lord Archer this afternoon, and since the sun is out and the sky is blue, I have decided to miss work again today. This is probably just as well actually because I woke up this morning barely able to move. Many people buy their mattresses from specialist bed shops or Ikea or Selfridges. Mine cost £25 and was originally on display on the pavement outside a shop on Tottenham High Road, gathering carbon monoxide stains and pigeon waste.

So my fault really and now rush-hour traffic on the M25 is more mobile than I am. I know how Grandmaster Flash feels, what with his broken sacra iliac. On the plus side, however, this morning I noticed that the Crystal Maze is being shown on Challenge TV.

Well enough of my arbitrary ramblings. With a little time on my hands, here is a list of the latest individuals to whom I will be sending my letters and in the process, burst through the 125 mark:

Lorraine Kelly, Dave Gorman (spiritual father it appears), Frank Skinner, David Baddiel, Philip Schofield, Iain Banks, Frank Lampard, Floella Benjamin, Ian Hislop, Chris Eubank, Cherie Blair, Will Carling, Julie Burchill, Assad Ahmed, Digby Jones, Geoff Boycott, Fern Briton, and Darren Campbell.

As promised in a recent post, here are some statistics about my progress before today:

Time elapsed - 1 month 16 days (Not including the 2 weeks of inactivity following the actions of the murdering terrorist scum) - 25%

Letters sent out - 118 - 23.6%

Replies - 17 - 14.4%

Non replies - 101 - 85.6%

Surname initial most likely to reply - M - Sir Patrick Moore, Chris Morris, John Motson

Breakdown of letters sent by gender - Male 95 (80.5%) Female 23 (19.5%)

Breakdown of replies by gender - Male 17/95 (17.9%) Female 0/23 (0%)

Meetings had or arranged - 7 - 6%

Two statistics appear to leap out out. I have receieved not a single reply from anyonr of the fairer sex, so it seems that my legendary way with women continues. I suppose that's not altogether surprising when you consider that the women in question are receiving a random letter from a random man, asking to briefly meet them.

The other statistic to note is that only 6% of those written to, have agreed to meet me. This is obviously some way short of my 20% target. Let's hope that things pick up swiftly, or else I will soon be elbow deep in cow (see forfeits etc).

Finally I would like to thank my good friend and resident X-FM DJ, James Hyman, for putting a link to this website on his website. I shall reciprocate. You can read all about the wonders of modern music and things like 'breakbeats' 'mash up' 'post-progressive ambient trance' and other terms that I don't understand here. (Perhaps he might even let me plug my project on X-FM now?)

Day 64 - Greeting Lord Archer

Well it's relatively late on Friday night and I was hoping to update this site slightly earlier as I have to be up early to meet John Francome at Newmarket tomorrow, but frankly I'm currently transfixed by Andy Murray's second round tennis match in the US Open. Without wanting to jump on any bandwagon, the guy's a bloomin hero as far as I'm concerned. The way he fights and gesticulates and chunters to himself like a madman is just fantastic. There's passion for you.

Anyway, I digress so back to today.

Driving through central London on a Friday afternoon is not particularly enjoyable at the best of times. But when you're pressed for time and St Johns Wood tube station has been closed causing traffic jams in that area, your passanger is crabby because he hasn't eaten for three minutes, you get stuck behind a dustcart in Paddington and then you accidently stray into Mr Livingstone's congestion zone, you know it's not going to be your day....But I was wrong.

Lord Archer resides in a building overlooking the Thames, not far from Parliament. As I approached it, with Michael lagging behind mumbling something about cigarettes and a petrol station, I noticed that a film crew were filming someone on a patch of grass in front of us. Well blow me down, if the subject didn't turn out to be a man who only recently was one of the most recognisable individuals on the planet. And I'm not talking about Telly Savalas.

Now I know that in theory I'm not supposed to approach celebrities from my list without having attempted to contact them beforehand. However, in practice, I had attempted to contact former Prime Minister John Major. In fact his letter was amongst the very first that I had sent out . In order to garner my handshake I approached one of Mr Major's aides on the sidelines, who despite not having the slightest inkling as to who I was and what I was blathering on about, "500 celebrities...RNIB....received my letter...photograph", listened to my plea and said that he would see what he could do.

In the meantime, Michael and myself entered the apartment building of Lord Archer despite being ten minutes early. Well, the aforementioned turned up on the dot of our pre-arranged meeting time, and truly was as nice as pie. Thrusting out a welcoming hand, we exchanged pleasantries before Lord Archer asked where we would like the picture taken. Michael piped up that we should go outside as it was a warm day (well he does carry a bit of extra weight), and so to the photograph that you see above.

As we made our way back inside to gather the auctionable memento, and my cack-footed friend embarassingly managed to kick over a metal bollard that formed part of the structure of the building, talk turned to John Major. Lord Archer seemed surprised to learn than he had never got back to me, as he considered the former PM to be a really good sport. Well all would become clear soon...

Up in Lord Archer's stunning apartment, we were generously given a book for the RNIB to auction, whilst an assistant fetched both Michael and I a drink to take with us. So basically a triumph all round.

Day 64 - Greeting John Major

....So as I was saying, after leaving Lord Archer's flat, I noticed that the filming of John Major was completed. It was a wrap. I glanced hopefully at Mr Major's assistant who looked at another assistant who went over to have a word with the former Prime Minister.

Within a few moments, and to his huge credit, Mr Major approached me together with his entourage. As he drew near, I thought that I would break the ice by asking him if he had received my letter that was sent several weeks ago. He replied in the negative and asked where I had sent it to.

"I wrote to you at the House of Commons," I stammered. Mr Major smiled. "I haven't been working from there for some time I'm afraid."

Cue one embarassed young man in a cryptically messaged T-shirt staring down at his black leather Matalan shoes. You see my friends, all of my cogitating and hypothesising and analysing of statistics a couple of posts down, about the number of replies that I have received so far, fails to take into account one constant. My own bare-faced stupidity and general tittishness. If knowledge is 'King', then accurate research is almost certainly 'Prince Regent'. Mr Major generously shook my hand nonetheless, despite understandably being somewhat bemused as to what exactly it was that my project was all about. For this I thank him greatly.

On our way home, and on a similar subject, I discussed with Michael the statistics that I had compiled over the last few days. "Why is it do you think" I enquired, "that unlike with the male celebrities I've approached, I'm having such a particularly bad response from the female celebrities that I've written to? Not one reply from 23 letters sent".

"Perhaps they've seen a photo of you on your website," was his painfully blunt reply.    

Day 66 - Postponement

My meeting with John Francome sheduled for yesterday (Saturday) has had to be postponed. This was not due not to an unforeseen 'Act of God' but to an 'Act of John Toshack', the manager of the Welsh National footbal side. The selection of Sam Ricketts to play at left-back for Wales against England in the World Cup qualifier was good news in John Francome's household, since he is the uncle of the young footballer, and quite understandably wanted to see his nephew in action down in Cardiff.

John was extremely apologetic when the news was relayed to me but I quite understand, and he assured me that our meeting would still go ahead at a future date.

The coming week for me and for this project promises to be quite an interesting one for various reasons. I hope to update this site with some good news in the coming days. As for this weekend, well it has been relaxing and in a funny way, I've learned quite a few interesting lessons. Namely:

England are better off sticking to the 4-4-2 formation.

The constant airing of the TV advert for the sweets known as 'Skittles', where an old lady is singing rap music to her grandson, despite being shown with such annoying frequency, should not encourage you to throw your remote control at the TV set. It is likely to break.

Never row over the phone with the pizza delivery people (anything can be hidden under a layer of melted cheese). The argument will ultimately leave you with a nasty taste in your mouth.

Broken glass on a bathroom floor will one day come back to haunt you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Since taking up Michael's challenge, and mentioning it to various individuals, I have had literally tens of people asking me the same questions over and over again. After a certain amount of deliberation, I have now decided 'What the FAQ', I might as well lay these particular queries to rest for once and for all....With a peck on the cheek and a bedtime story.  So please, before you ask me why I chose the RNIB as the charity that I would like to support, or which of the 500 from the list I would most like to meet, be kind enough to read below first. Thanks.

1) Hey Jules, what's your bet/challenge all about.- Look, if you actually have to ask this question having stumbled upon my website, where I have quite clearly explained the background of my bet on no less than FOUR occassions, then I assume that a) either you have an IQ that's lower than the residue on the underside of an elastoplast in a swimming pool gutter, or b) you suffer from an acute form of Attention Deficit Disorder, so stop drumming your finger's on the table and LISTEN! Bet with friend in pub - 500 celebrities - Meet as many of them as possible in 6 month period - Forfeits to be undertaken by the loser.

2) So why did you chose the RNIB as your specified Charity?- To be honest, there was initially no charity aspect to our bet, yet I then thought that I had no reason NOT to try and make money for charity, and that it might also encourage some of the 500 to meet me. Once decided, it was always going to be the Royal National Institute for the Blind, simply because I have always had huge sympathy and respect for visually impaired people, and have always said that this is the charity I would like to help if ever raising money.

3) It looks to me like you're just desperate to meet famous people?- That's simply not true mum. I'm really not that fussed about the concept of celebrity, but having said that, I do admit to being quite intrigued to see which of the individuals that I have written to will respond, which of them will actually meet me and which will I not here a peep from. So anyway what have we got for dinner....?

4) So is there anyone on the list of 500 that Michael drew up, that you would not want to meet or who you don't like?- Only two individuals, but until I am certain that they will not reply, I'd rather keep that to myself thanks.

5) But you can tell me, I won't tell anyone.- Look don't push it  (2 years later) OK I can tell you now. At the time they were Ken Livingstone and George Galloway neither of whom I have any fond feelings for whatsoever. Ironically enough I did end up meeting Galloway....

6) Ok then, who on your list would you be keen to meet?- I guess I'd include Clare Balding, Kate Beckinsale, Derren Brown, Kathy Burke, Hugh Cornwell, Alan Davies, Jermaine Defoe, Keith Floyd, Anna Freil, Ricky Gervais, Kiera Knightley, Victor Lewis-Smith, Bob Mills, Simon Pegg, Jimmy Saville, Michaela Strachan and Julie Walters. Oh and I suppose it would be something of a coup if I 'greeted' Tony Blair.

7) Yeah well unlucky, 10 Downing street already replied, stating that he couldn't meet you. Anyway, who's Hugh Cornwell again?- The lead singer of the Stranglers you idiot.

8) Oh ok. And Sheridan Smith?- Oh yeah. Michael ensured she was on there. She was probably the first name down actually. She plays the girlfriend of Ralph Little in two popular sitcoms, The Royle Family and Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. Michael has a minor obsession with her, but hopefully it's not got to the unhealthy stage yet.

9) So what's in it for you then? Why are you doing it?- Well my day job is just so boring you see. I generally get home from work feeling really bitter and twisted. You know, like a kilo of lemons in a food processor. I just wanted to do something exciting and something that I could channel my energy into. Not only that, but Michael is always making bets with me and he always seems so sure that he's right even when he clearly isn't. I remember once that he was 100% convinved that Christopher Walken played the part of Clay Shaw in JFK, when of course it was Tommy Lee Jones. Can't remember how much money I took off him for that one. Anyway, I would dearly love to see him elbow deep in cow (see forfeits) for his cocksure attitude.

10) By the way, I'm struggling with my Chemistry thesis. Can you explain the difference between Boyle's Law and Newton's Law?- No, I was no good at 'subjects' at school.

11) Try this one then. Does Charles Dance? - I dunno, is Barry White?

Day 68 - The Wireless, Weblogs and Weirdos

....The fact that I wear a gold chain does not make me a chav. I had no thin downy moustache as a thirteen-year-old, I fathered no children at the age of fifteen and my car has no spoiler.

The reason that I am sharing this on my website results from a conversation that I had with my friend Paul who has his own news based website here . Paul knows everything about the internet, it was he who directed me towards typepad in the first place to create this site and yesterday he gave me instructions about creating a successful weblog. I do so hate that term though-weblog. I shall call mine an internet-based diary.

Well apparently the secret is to update it EVERY DAY, even if you're at work and  your boss (who is younger than you) has just been shouting at you for messing up the company database. In fact most people here are younger than me. I feel like I'm working with the cast of Bugsy Malone. Anyway Paul gave me examples of excellent IBD's that are updated daily and whose talented authors were ultimately commisioned to write columns for such prestigious publications as the Telegraph and Razzle.

I tried to impress upon him that this website is not really supposed to be a platform on which to showcase my ability as a cunning linguist, all it was initially set up for was to keep the RNIB and my family and friend up to date with my progress. I will though TRY to make more regular updates.

Meanwhile I am hopefully going to be plugging my project on the radio this Friday night as my friend James mentioned that I could say a few words on his show on X-FM. I don't care that his show airs between 1.00am and 3.00am on Saturday morning and that a majority of the people tuning in will be frantic gum chewers making shapes with their hands in time to the music. If I get just 1 meeting as a result, it will have been worth while.

I would also like to say that if any police happen to be reading this, could you go to Haverstock Hill and check on the strange individual who has been sat on a wall for the last day and half (literally) and mumbling to himself. He's frightening me and I think that he maybe mentally unwell and in need of some assistance.

Finally, a big thanks to Sophie for her comment. You're lovely.

Details of my meeting with Sir Patrick Moore will follow tomorrow.

Day 69 - Greeting Sir Patrick Moore

What a green and pleasant land I live in, I mused (like Brent) as I made my way to the sunny South Coast today, past such exotically titled hamlets as Woolbending, Liphook, Cocking and Hurtsmore.

OK, so our national football team is sub-standard from time to time, but after soaking up the beauty of small country villages such as Midhurst (which has been only fractionally buggered-up by the eyesore of a Tesco Metro), and Chichester (famous for tea-rooms and SIr Francis), I've decided that I love my country and that aside from Sydney, Singapore or a Paris devoid of Parisians I could never live anywhere else.

I was on my way to meet the country's foremost astronomer, Sir Patrick Moore, who apologised for his immobility - well he is a nonogenarian - and the fact that I would have to make the short trip around the M25 and down the A3, and A286 to greet him.

As he had described, his front garden did indeed have an observatory in it, and for that matter I saw more telescopes than you could shake an 25 inch polymethylmethacrylate ocular star-gazing device at. Sir Patrick, who insisted that I simply call him Patrick, was a most welcoming host. As soon as he saw my weakened and feverish state fresh from the lengthy journey, he uttered "What can I get you? Tea? Coffee? Fruit Juice? Brandy?"

I considered the long drive home ahead of me and opted for a brandy, (single).

We chatted for a few minutes about peacocks, cricket, and the United Kingdom Independence Party, which I confess I know very little about, before Patrick's friend took a couple of snaps with Michael's camera (the latter stayed in London, so no arguments today), offered me a lovely book on astronomy for the auction and saw me on my way with a cheery wave.

On the way back I drove past a landmark called the Devil's Punch Bowl, which intrigued me. I've just found out what exactly that is and am rather upset that apparently I drove past one of the "Seven Wonders of England" without so much as a cursory glance. See here.

Day 71 - Ashes to Ashes

Some years ago, my mother said, to get things done I'd better not mess with Tom, (a friend of the family who held some rank in the army..... I think he was a Colonel).

I mention this because on hot September days, when there is a fantastic game of cricket to be watched and glasses of Pimms to be supped from, the last thing I feel like doing is coming in to work to enter the name of the Senior Vice President of the Daimler Chrysler Corporation into our company database.

The second to last thing I feel like doing is sending out letters to people that I don't know and who don't know me and asking if I could meet them and then updating an internet based diary whilst trying to avoid the gaze of my boss. I'd much rather be having a swim or trying to master the piano solo from Coldplay's Clocks.

So in reply to Spanish Sarah's comment (below somewhere), although I mentioned that I would endeavour to update this diary on a daily basis, that wasn't supposed to be taken literally. Well the bit about TRYING TO was.

The eagle eyed may have noticed that I have changed the name of one of my postings, and removed the phrase Belsize Park from it, since I didn't want to offend the liberal cognoscenti who live around here. See, in order to get ahead in my neighbourhood you have to constantly criticise George Bush whilst reading the Guardian, eating your muesli and scolding your daughter Cressida. Which reminds me, I must stop writing stupid things on this weblog since when the celebrities (or their agents) receive my letter and possibly have a quick glance at this site, they will no doubt be put off agreeing to meet me when reading the rambling observations of this nobody.

Note to self, stop writing nonsense.

Today I have mostly been sending my letters to Eastenders actors Shane Ritchie, Barbara Windsor, Jessie Wallace and Wendy Richards, to football referee Graham Poll to golfer Colin Montgomery, tennis player Tim Henman, Governor of the Bank of England Mervyn King, comedian David Walliams and theatrical producer Bill Kenwright.

Oh and just to remind, I will hopefully be plugging this project on X-FM (not sure what frequency)tonight between 1.00AM and 3.00AM, James permitting.

Day 70 - Replies (J.Sachs, N.Park)

....Not two names you would usually hear in the same sentence, the Chief Rabbi and the Oscar winning animator, but there you go, they both replied on the same day.

My plan to approach three faith leaders, Chief Rabbi, Arch B of C and General Secretary of the Council of British Muslims, in hope of divine intervention and possibly 3 meetings, has not really worked out. A "sorry but he will be unable to help you" from the Chief Rabbi's assistant and no response from the other two. Oh well, maybe they're on holiday. One thing is certainly for sure - these three men probably already do more charity work than any other person on the list.

As for Nick Park, a kindly young lady from Aardman Animations emailed me to tell me that a meeting with him might be difficult as "Nick is away on a promotional tour for the new film at the moment until the end of the year".

That having been said, there is still a glimmer of hope as the door was-left ever so slightly ajar. Angie said that I might be able to meet Nick at one of the Premieres, so I shall have to put my serious grovelling hat on and see how it all pans out.

Day 72 - Reply (Archbishop of Canterbury)

Without a shadow of a doubt the finest, most amusing and beautifully crafted letter I have received since starting this project was sent to me, somewhat unexpectedly, from Lambeth Palace.

My respect for the Archbishop of Canterbury has shot through the roof, not that I didn't have a high opinion of him anyway, it's just that truth be told, I didn't know a great deal about Dr Rowan Williams before I wrote to him.

First of all, I must inform you that regretably I shan't be meeting Dr Williams, since, as the letter penned by his Lay Assistant Andrew Nunn understandably points out, the Primate and leader of the Church of England is not in the habit of helping complete strangers to win bets made in a pub.

I do hope I will be forgiven for detailing part of the letter, yet it is so brilliantly written and makes such valid points, that I really do feel obliged to share it:

"....He is sorry of course that by declining you may be subject to a forfeit (see forfeits category on the left), but since whether he accepts or declines, someone (either Michael or I) may have to take up bovine gynaecology he's in a no-win situation and somehow will have to learn to live with it.

He hopes that you will contribute to the RNIB the money you won't have to spend travelling to see him, indeed all the money you will save if lot's of people turn you down. I am sure then that the warm inner glow you will feel will sustain you off the beach at Brighton."

What a reply. Absolute solid gold.

I will MOST CERTAINLY, agree to his wish to donate to the RNIB the petrol money that I would have spent driving to Lambeth. This will be done very soon, since the way that petrol prices are spiralling out of control, I may otherwise have to sell my flat.