Greeting the 500

DAY 4 - First Letters Sent

A dictionary definition for you:

schadenfreude \SHAHD-n-froy-duh\, noun:
A malicious satisfaction in the misfortunes of others.

I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive due to too many late nights, and a recent lack of vitamin B1 intake by not eating anything green, but the lack of sponsorship I have received up to this point, (see www.justgiving.com/greetingthe500)  leads me to believe that friends and family view my bizzare project as something of a joke. Some of the replies that I received after I sent out an email to a number of people last Friday appear to back this point up.

replies ranged from:

1. One friend kindly telling me to "P**s off !" without a hint of irony.
2. Another suggetsing "Spending 6 months trying to shake the hands of celebrities. I can't think of a better way of spending your time" with a vast amount of irony.
3. A member of my immediate family repeatedly calling me a "star-plucker" or words to that effect.

It's all a bit depressing really, and I feel like swearing right now but I'm not going to do so here because, like Wee Jimmy Crankie's idiot brother, it's not big and it's not clever. Come to think of it, in the case of Wee Jimmy Cranky, "it" is the operative word.

Anyway, as I write this, I can hear a TV advert behind my left ear with the sumptuous Ella Fitgerald claiming that fish in the sea, rivers running free and blossom on a tree all know how she/(I) feels. That's cheering me up, although somehow I don't think they do know how I feel. Particularly fish with their alleged 3 second memories.

so anyway, what has happened so far.......

Well Friday saw me send out the first of my letters (for a copy of my standard letter see the bottom of this page). I thought it made sense to send the first batch to those who write for the Sun, the Mirror and the Evening Standard, as well as to Members of Parliament, as the addresses for all of these are pretty obtainable. Ergo sum, the following of the 500 should have received/be receiving my letter in the next day or so:

Tony Benn, Tony Blair, Jeremy Clarkson, Sebastion Coe, George Galloway, A.A.Gill, William Hague, Boris Johnson, Charles Kennedy, Victor Lewis Smith, Richard Littlejohn, John Major, Piers Morgan, Tony Parsons, Will Self, Brian Sewell, Margaret Thatcher, Rebecca Wade, A.N.Wilson, Quentin Wilson and Lord Woolf....

On receiving an odd request from some strange nobody, who on earth knows how they will react. I am aware that the above list of odd bedfellows only amounts to 21 of my 500 but I am off the opinion softly softly catchy monkey, and more importantly, I've run out of stamps.

More soon.

DAY 6 - Olympic Joy

Not a huge amount to add right now, added to the fact that I'm a bit busy at work at the moment. These pieces of data won't enter themselves into the company database on their own you know. However, I just thought I'd add this rather topical picture. Aaah, poor France. Such a dissapointment couldn't have happened to a nicer country...........Ahem.

DAY 10 - London Mourns

As most of the globe is now well aware, my lovely City, the one that I was born in, grew up in, live in and work in, was hit by a serious of terrorist strikes last Thursday (7/7/2005). The first thing to say, quite obviously, is that I extend my sincere condolonces to anyone who has been affected by this appalling and despicable tradgedy. Frankly, this sick act made me evaluate a lot of things. In particular I attempted to rationalise this project that I am currently working on with Michael, and whether or not, in the greater scheme of things, it has any merit or is particularly worthwile.

I had a lenghthy discussion with Michael. We decided that the fact that we are raising money for charity is reason enough to carry on, and that no blood-thirsty sicko should be allowed to dictate what we do on a day to day basis.

That having been said, it's patently obvious that the last thing that any politician, newspaper editor, columnist, religious leader, indeed anyone on our list of 500, will want at the moment is to receive some daft letter from me asking to have my photo taken with them.

It really goes without saying that most people probably have their mind on other things at the moment.

We've therefore decided that for the next 2 weeks there is little point in me writing to anyone and that I should recommence sending out my letters towards the end of July. Michael has agreed to extend the time limit of our bet by 2 weeks and it will now end on January 14th next year. This will also give me the opportunity of spending the next fortnight snuffling out the contacting details of these individuals, much as so many hefty pigs would search for truffles.

The only other point to add is that to date, of the 21 individuals already written to (see below), only one has as of yet replied......step forward Richard Littlejohn.

Well I say replied, what I actually mean is he organised for a stock postcard from Sun Newspapers to be sent to me. It reads:

THE SUN

Thank you very much for taking the trouble to write to Richard Littlejohn.

The volume of mail received on a weekly basis means Richard is not always able to reply personally to every letter. However, he is grateful for your views - whether positive suggestions or criticism - and will consider the points you raise.

Once again, many thanks for writing.

Editor's Office.

So that'll be a 'No' then, I guess.

Day 15 - Another Reply

Much to my dissapointment, after sending out the first 21 of my 500 letters (see Letters Sent category), the flow of replies from these illuminati, gliteratti, cognescenti and anything alse ending in -ti, through my letterbox, continues to resemble the flow of water through the Serengeti's mud-baked Mbalageti River during a particularly dry 'dry season'. No more than a trickle. One would in fact see a more noticeable trickle watching a man with a bad case of kidney stones urinating.

There is, however, a however, as today I ACTUALLY received my second reply, and so very many thanks to Mr Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear fame (and other car related programmes). I quote it directly:

The Sun

Thank you very much for taking the trouble to write to Jeremy Clarkson.

The volume of mail received on a weekly basis means Jeremy is not always able to reply personally to every letter. However, he is grateful for your views - whether possitive suggestions or criticism - and will consider all the points you raise.

Once again many thanks for writing.

Editor's Office.

Now if you think this sounds familiar (see Replies category) it's probably because I received an identical reply from Richard Littlejohn who also happens to write a column for The Sun. I'm delighted to hear that both Richard and Jeremy were "grateful for my views whether positive suggestions or criticism". Hmmm, rather strange, since I don't recall expressing any views. Anyway, I'm equally glad that if nothing else, I'm keeping some office junior in Wapping relatively busy in sending out Sun Postcards. Marvellous.

Michael was indeed right. I'm going to fail his challenge miserably. 2 down 498 to go.....

DAY 15 - First Meeting On Cards!!

Who was it who once said that 'the darkest hour is the one just before dawn.........except in Northern Finland in mid-Summer'. Oh it was me. Well, just as I was expressing my exasperation at the lack of positive replies received to this date, it appears that my first Celebrity Meeting may well be just one week away. In his infinite generosity, Matt at the RNIB has facilitated a meeting between myself and one of the individuals from my list of 500. For this I am eternally grateful.

The first of many, I hope, and a rather appropriate one it appears. I won't mention just yet who this individual is, for fear of putting the mockers on the meeting pencilled in for next Friday, although I will give you one clue. It isn't Tony Blair.

I would just like at this point to also thank a fantastic friend of mine, more like the brother I never had, in fact, who has pledged £1,000 to the RNIB in response to my begging emails. You certainly are 'the MAN'.

If anyone that anyone knows has still not seen my other website where money can be donated: www.justgiving.com/Greetingthe500

please point them in that direction. Ta

DAY 18 - The Forfeits

....So there I was, watching the Open yesterday (or British Open Golf Championships for those who prefer Sex and the City). Tiger Woods eh? what can you say? apart from it's a stupid place to go for a picnic. Ithankyow.

Sorry, I'm flying off at a bit of a tangent here. So there I was watching the Open yesterday when I get a phone call from someone I know who's actually bothered to look at this website. Thanks mum. Anyway she drew my attention to the fact that there was a rather glaring omission from all of my non-sensical ramblings. Obviously the whole raison d'etre of this project and indeed this website, is that it was conceived as a challenge. A bet if you will.

Forgive me for my staccato style now but I want to briefly run through the terms of the challenge just one last time. My friend Michael says celebrities won't give me the time of day. I am writing to 500 of them to ask them to meet me for 2 minutes. He believes that no more than 100 will meet me in a 6 month period. If I beat this figure, he undertakes forfeits, If I don't, I have to do them.

So here they are, and just to point out that they are cumulative.....

THE FORFEITS

Number of Individuals met         Forfeit             

350 +                                        Michael undertakes forfeits 1-7 (see below)

275-349                                    Michael undertakes forfeits 1-6

220-374                                    Michael undertakes forfeits 1-5

180-219                                    Michael undertakes forfeits 1-4

150-179                                    Michael undertakes forfeits 1-3

125-149                                    Michael undertakes forfeits 1&2

100-124                                    Michael undertakes forfeit 1

75-99                                        Jules undertakes forfeit 1

55-74                                        Jules undertakes forfeit 1&2

40-54                                        Jules undertakes forfeit 1-3

30-39                                        Jules undertakes forfeit 1-4

20-29                                        Jules undertakes forfeit 1-5

10-19                                        Jules undertakes forfeit 1-6

0-9                                            Jules undertakes forfeit 1-7

Forfeit 1 - To purchase for the other party, Sky Sports Football Season Ticket from termination of challenge until end of the 2005-2006 Football Season.

Forfeit 2 - To clean the flat of the other party once every 2 weeks for 1 year.

Forfeit 3 - To stand at Oxford Circus for one 8-hour period holding a placard and bucket and asking people to donate to the RNIB.

Forfeit 4 - To help a rural vet in checking on a cow's pregnancy situation (by sticking arm up rectum of said cow).

Forfeit 5 - Michael to walk across hot coals, Julian to conquer vertigo by riding UK's largest roller coaster.

Forfeit 6 - To run next year's London Marathon (collecting for RNIB)

Forfeit 7 - To swim naked off Brighton beach twice a week during month of February.

This agreement has been signed and witnessed and is legally binding.

So there you have it. Neither of us are expecting to have to do the naked swimming thing, which, with bodies such as ours (ie at either end of the Body Mass Index scale), will no doubt be a blessed relief to the inhabitants of Brighton. For Michael think hippo which has rolled into a vat of honey and then a vat of hair, as for me, if I was any paler I'd be translucent and in addition, as another good friend mentions to me every time I wear shorts, "that reminds me, I must get those pipe-cleaners fixed."

Right the sun is once again shining on London so I'm off to play golf myself now. Not very well mind, as I have all the co-ordination of a hung-over millipede on roller skates. In fact in a recent golf lesson my teacher said to me, and I quote, "I can see the problem. You're standing too close to the ball......after you've hit it."

Day 20- Thank You Charles Kennedy MP

As you will notice from the list of my likes and dislikes on the 'About' page (top left), in the past I have expressed my general dislike of the colour orange. I believe it has a depressive quality. To me it conjures up images of a line of inmates heading for death row. Well, as of today that has ALL CHANGED. Charles Kennedy MP, leader of the Liberal Democrats, and Member of Parliament for somewhere in Scotland, I believe, a man who was one of the original receipients of the first 21 letters I posted, sent me a most delightful reply.

"Dear Julian,

Thank you for your letter regarding your campaign 'Greeting the 500'. Please accept my apologies for the delay in replying. Unfortunately due to many diary and constituency commitments I will be unable to meet with you for a photograph.

I am sorry to give you what must be a dissapointing response. However, I have enclosed a signed photograph as requested for your auction and may I take this opportunity to wish you the best of luck with your campaign.

Thanks once again for writing and best wishes."

Ok he is not able to meet me, but what a nice gesture. It makes me feel all the more guilty for voting for my half Korean/half Tamil canditate Kim Lee Gurumathu Singh A. Song of the Rainbow Enlightment of the Divine Spirituality Bretheren party, at the last general election. What can I say but bring back proportional representation (have we evr had it?) and "Kennedy for Prime Minister!"

(Incidentally Mr Kennedy's constituency is actually Ross, Skye & Lochaber. I just noticed it at the top of his letter).

DAY 22 - Replies (J. Clarkson, T. Blair)

Friday was a very productive day indeed for me. A very busy one. It was bulging with action much like the scrotum of a man who has abstained from sex for 40 years. Anyway I am going to cut and splice this action into three 'fun size' posts, since they relate to different topics.

Firstly a couple of replies were found in my pigeon-hole this morning. Celebrity droppings I guess you could call them. Now at this stage I would like to officialy apologise to Jeremy Clarkson to whom I did a slight disservice the other day. Having received a stock postcard from the offices of the Sun Newspaper (see somewhere else on this website. I can't remember where), I suggested that Jeremy had not actually read my letter. Well this now appears to be wholly innacurate and unfair. I shall now walk through the streets of North London flogging myself. I reckon I'm worth about £3.50

A letter from his personal assisstant, Lucinda, reads:

Dear Julian,

Many thanks for your letter of July 4th, it sounds like a most interesting bet you have with your friend and I would love to be able to help you. However, I am really sorry but I just can't. We get so many letters from people wanting just a few minutes of Jeremy's time and we have to say no. If we were to allow everyone who asked for a few minutes, in no time at all, Jeremy's day would be totally taken up and he would have no time at all to do all the work he does, so I am really sorry that we are not going to be able to help you win your bet, but hope the enclosed signed photograph will go some way to help.

With all best wishes.....

So there you go. A debt of thanks is owed by me again. I must say, I do greatly admire Jeremy Clarkson. Being someone who speaks their mind, I have always had the utmost respect for other straight-shooters. Unless of course, I disagree with what they're saying. In Jeremy's case I rarely do.

Anyway the other letter that I opened came from 10 Downing street. It read's:

Dear Mr Segal,

The Prime Minister has asked me to thank you for your letter and recent enclosure. I regret that the many calls on Mr Blair's time will make it impossible for him to see you personally.

Yours sincerely....

It was signed by a Mr 'Smith', yet I am sure that Mr Smith is indeed a legitimate member of the PM's inner sanctum as it came from 10 Downing Street's Direct Communications Unit. I'm baffled as to how the Indirect Unit might have replied? Answers on a postcard please (not a Sun Newspapers one).

Not a great surprise there, of course, and again I am grateful for any sort of response at the moment.

Day 22 - Greeting Tony Hawks

SO A LITTLE SUCCESS AT LAST! My first meeting has been achieved and obviously a huge amount of gratitude to Tony Hawks who has got this particular ball rolling. I mentioned last Friday that this was a most appropriate member of my 500 to kick it off, since Tony himself is not averse to taking part in curious experiments, such as travelling around Ireland with a fridge (for a bet), and trying to defeat each member of the Moldovan Football Team in a tennis match (for a bet).   

I mentioned this meeting to a few of my friends before it took place, and one or two of them then proceeded to rambled on about some American skateboarder? I'm sure the British Tony is pretty fed up with the confusion. In fact his website has some rather amusing respones to letters that have been mistakenly sent to the American Tony HawkEs. See here:

www.tony-hawks.com/skatemail_archive.php

So anyhow, as for the meeting itself...I received a call from Matt at the RNIB and was told that Tony would be waiting for me outside Wimbledon tube station at 12.45pm. I was a little concerned since it was already 10.15am and it usually takes a good two hours to wake Michael, my photographer and co-bet maker, from his Behemoth meets Rip Van Winkle slumber.

Well the journey down to Wimbledon itself was quite uneventful, apart from getting lost in Richmond Park and driving around it (it's ok, that's quite legal) for one and a half complete circles. At least the landscape and deers made for a nice diversion...In every sense of the word.

On getting to Wimbledon I had a blazing row with Michael, since he was desperate to buy a pack of cigarettes, not having had one for seven minutes. Not only were we pressed for time but I didn't particularly want Tony to meet us with Michael having a fag hanging out of his mouth. Michael, as is his want, shouted and swore endlessly and started to create a bit of a scene in the street and so for the greater good I relented.

The atmosphere was not helped by the fact that this day happened to be the last day of term for many schools and so we were surrounded by hordes of kids screaming to each other across the road. Conversations such as "Oi Bev! Oi! Oi! Oi Bev! Oi Bev! What time you going to Tash's Tonight?!" continued non-stop as we waited.

At approximately 12.50, Tony arrived with a Moldovan friend. We shook hands, had our photo taken, I asked Tony a few questions, he gave me a memento to be auctioned off and that was that, a thoroughly pleasant and accomodating man.

On getting home, however, and checking the photograph, I was absolutely MORTIFIED. Now don't get me wrong, I have always regarded myself as being un-photogenic, but whilst Tony looked fine, this is without question the worst photo ever taken of me. I look uglier than a boil on the backside of mandrill ape. And this, probably the most important photograph of my life so far. To someone who is as vain as me, this is an absolute tradgedy. I'd forgotten to take my glasses of, my hair is in serious need of re-dyeing and I have the puffy-cheeked, fat-lipped expression of a Loisianan in-bred. I think I've just discovered why my average relationship lasts no-longer than 2 months. It's a wonder I have any at all. Thank goodness for my shining wit.

Now honestly, I don't think I'm quite so bad in the flesh. However just to be sure, for all future meetings (if any), I shall insist on Michael clicking the camera like a man possessed so I will at least have a Hobson's choice of picking the least appalling snapshot.

Day 22 - Newspaper Interest

They say that good things come in threes, or am I getting buses and small packages confused? Well having already been ably assisted by Matt at the RNIB, it appears that another Matt is to prove a life-saver as I try to win my bet.

Matt mark 2 is the editor of my local newspaper, the Hampstead & Highgate Express, and what a fine publication it is, I might add. Well having received a begging email from me (I'm getting quite good at those), Matt has agreed to run a piece on me and my challenge which will hopefully appear next Thursday and hopefully get me more publicity and direct people to my charity sponsoring website. I shall keep you updated.

That in mind, and having an empty Sunday today, I compiled another 30 letters to be sent out tomorrow. This time they are all individuals from my list who have radio shows and who are thus, again quite easy to track down.

They are:

Clive Anderson, Toby Anstis, Clare Balding, Edith Bowman, Melvyn Bragg, Nicky Campbell (who Michael and I once saw years ago when he was eating dinner in Bachus Greek Taverna, Michael's mother's Greek restaurant in Hampstead), Jimmy Carr, Craig Charles, Kirsty Gallagher, Eamonn Holmes, Jools Holland, John Humphrys, Vernon Kay, John Kettley, Des Lynam, Humphrey Lyttleton, John Motson, Chris Moyles, Christian O'Connell, Dermot O'Leary, Michael Parkinson, Raj Persaud, Courtney Pine, Johnathon Ross, Pat Sharp, Peter Snow, Suggs, Jamie Theakston,Johnny Vaughan and Ian Wright.

Fingers crossed.